Fear is powerful. However, I can honestly say that usually I am not easily frightened. I watch endless crime shows, read countless murder mysteries, and I actually love the dark. But I am by no means fearless. If anything, fear is an emotion that I sometimes allow to take over. Just like anyone else, I do have that one big fear that keeps me awake at night. To no one’s surprise I’m sure, my biggest fear is that Augie and I will struggle for years trying to build our family, or even bigger than that, never become parents. Usually when I feel as though this fear is overtaking me, I try to submerge myself in prayer, and lately I’ve even found a sanctuary in scripture. Because I’m human and still yearning for motherhood, sometimes this fear overtakes the faith.
Since we have proudly announced that we are pursuing adoption, things have been moving lightning fast, which is a pace that I love! I’ve always been a “go-getter,” and parenthood isn’t any different. The beginning stages of the adoption process went so well for us. Our social worker gave a checklist that I literally swooned over, and we hit the ground running, checking off those little boxes left and right! Before I knew it, we were home study approved and had decided on the path that felt right for us.
The last update I gave was right after we signed with On Point Legal, yet so much has happened since then! For us, choosing to work with a law firm was an easy decision for us. We considered a few nationally known agencies, but for one reason or another, we didn’t feel like it was right for us. We love the personable aspect of it—we have biweekly meetings, we have our consultants personal cell numbers, and we meet in coffee shops and breakfast bistros, rather than in conference rooms or phone conferences. Another great thing about working with OPL is that they respect our wishes to be as informed as possible, so when I told them that I wanted updates, no matter the news, they listened. It wasn’t even three weeks after we turned in our profile books in November that I got a call, while at work eating lunch, that there was a potential birth mother. The call was quick, but it was exciting!
After a few days of consulting, that quick call turned into our first meeting. Augie and I decided to not share this exciting news because during that same phone call we found out that “Mama B” was only 6 weeks along. Even though the pregnancy was new, we were still bursting at the seams with excitement, we scheduled a coffee date in hopes to make the situation easier for everyone involved. We didn’t want this to feel business-like at all. Despite what you may think, when we met “Mama B” the introduction was anything but awkward. Augie and I sat with her for hours and just talked. We talked about our families, sports, food, and our likes and dislikes. We really connected with her, and upon leaving our first meeting, we even set up the next. Well, that meeting went just as wonderful as the first, and from there we set up our third. By this time, she and I started communicating outside of our consultant’s help. We were talking on a daily basis and I could tell that a friendship was forming. On our third meeting, we sat down with her at Baskin Robbins and out came a balloon bouquet and a card. As Augie and I read the card with tear-filled eyes, it finally hit us that “Mama B” was asking us to be her baby’s parents.
Out of respect for her and our delicate situation, I’m fast forwarding about seven weeks, and “Mama B” is now 12 weeks pregnant. She was relying heavily on us financially, and to put it lightly, it started paying a toll on us. During the match, we received one picture of an ultrasound that she said was done by her niece who is currently enrolled in ultrasound tech school in another state. With the help of some friendly advice, it was determined by multiple medical professionals that the ultrasound picture did not match up to the gestational age that she said her baby was. That is when the red flags starting going up. She kept reassuring us that we could attend doctor appointments, but she kept making excuses on why she kept having to reschedule. With the entire adoption process, you have to tread lightly from the start. Over the course of what we now know would be our last week matched with “Mama B,” she became very distant. She stopped answering my texts and would even forward my calls. Three days later I heard back from her, but this time it wasn’t the pleasant-like conversations we’d been having. To make a really long, heart-wrenching story short, she was angry at the fact that her needs weren’t financially being met. While we fully understand the ends and outs of the adoption process and how important it is to make sure that the expectant mama is taken care of, we knew we were being taken down a path that wasn’t right for us. She went on to say that she was interested in working with another lawyer who could promise her more money, and would love if Augie and I could follow her. While my heart wanted to follow her and take care of her through the rest of her pregnancy, my brain interfered. After days of deliberation and prayer, Augie and I decided that it was best to unmatch ourselves from this situation. We had to remind ourselves that even though we have been longing to be parents, we didn’t want desperation to get the best of us and go against what we knew we had to do.
Since the failed matched, “Mama B” and I have lost touch. When we decided to part ways, she and I left on decent terms, and after our last conversation, she even messaged me once or twice. I know God closed the door on this adoption because it wasn’t meant to be. I know He will open another door for Augie and me, and we will be connected with our child. We are still pursuing adoption. Since the New Year, things have slowed down and we are sort of at a standstill. It’s just the process, and we know that’s how it goes. Some days are still better than others. Things are in constant motion, but still in the motion, we are forced to wait. We are still exploring other avenues and are opening doors we originally slammed shut. It’s been a beautiful thing to experience the evolution that both Augie and I have experienced within ourselves and our marriage. We remain hopeful for the future and are remaining steady in our faith because we never know what’s going to happen next, despite the fear that comes with it!
Since we have proudly announced that we are pursuing adoption, things have been moving lightning fast, which is a pace that I love! I’ve always been a “go-getter,” and parenthood isn’t any different. The beginning stages of the adoption process went so well for us. Our social worker gave a checklist that I literally swooned over, and we hit the ground running, checking off those little boxes left and right! Before I knew it, we were home study approved and had decided on the path that felt right for us.
The last update I gave was right after we signed with On Point Legal, yet so much has happened since then! For us, choosing to work with a law firm was an easy decision for us. We considered a few nationally known agencies, but for one reason or another, we didn’t feel like it was right for us. We love the personable aspect of it—we have biweekly meetings, we have our consultants personal cell numbers, and we meet in coffee shops and breakfast bistros, rather than in conference rooms or phone conferences. Another great thing about working with OPL is that they respect our wishes to be as informed as possible, so when I told them that I wanted updates, no matter the news, they listened. It wasn’t even three weeks after we turned in our profile books in November that I got a call, while at work eating lunch, that there was a potential birth mother. The call was quick, but it was exciting!
After a few days of consulting, that quick call turned into our first meeting. Augie and I decided to not share this exciting news because during that same phone call we found out that “Mama B” was only 6 weeks along. Even though the pregnancy was new, we were still bursting at the seams with excitement, we scheduled a coffee date in hopes to make the situation easier for everyone involved. We didn’t want this to feel business-like at all. Despite what you may think, when we met “Mama B” the introduction was anything but awkward. Augie and I sat with her for hours and just talked. We talked about our families, sports, food, and our likes and dislikes. We really connected with her, and upon leaving our first meeting, we even set up the next. Well, that meeting went just as wonderful as the first, and from there we set up our third. By this time, she and I started communicating outside of our consultant’s help. We were talking on a daily basis and I could tell that a friendship was forming. On our third meeting, we sat down with her at Baskin Robbins and out came a balloon bouquet and a card. As Augie and I read the card with tear-filled eyes, it finally hit us that “Mama B” was asking us to be her baby’s parents.
Out of respect for her and our delicate situation, I’m fast forwarding about seven weeks, and “Mama B” is now 12 weeks pregnant. She was relying heavily on us financially, and to put it lightly, it started paying a toll on us. During the match, we received one picture of an ultrasound that she said was done by her niece who is currently enrolled in ultrasound tech school in another state. With the help of some friendly advice, it was determined by multiple medical professionals that the ultrasound picture did not match up to the gestational age that she said her baby was. That is when the red flags starting going up. She kept reassuring us that we could attend doctor appointments, but she kept making excuses on why she kept having to reschedule. With the entire adoption process, you have to tread lightly from the start. Over the course of what we now know would be our last week matched with “Mama B,” she became very distant. She stopped answering my texts and would even forward my calls. Three days later I heard back from her, but this time it wasn’t the pleasant-like conversations we’d been having. To make a really long, heart-wrenching story short, she was angry at the fact that her needs weren’t financially being met. While we fully understand the ends and outs of the adoption process and how important it is to make sure that the expectant mama is taken care of, we knew we were being taken down a path that wasn’t right for us. She went on to say that she was interested in working with another lawyer who could promise her more money, and would love if Augie and I could follow her. While my heart wanted to follow her and take care of her through the rest of her pregnancy, my brain interfered. After days of deliberation and prayer, Augie and I decided that it was best to unmatch ourselves from this situation. We had to remind ourselves that even though we have been longing to be parents, we didn’t want desperation to get the best of us and go against what we knew we had to do.
Since the failed matched, “Mama B” and I have lost touch. When we decided to part ways, she and I left on decent terms, and after our last conversation, she even messaged me once or twice. I know God closed the door on this adoption because it wasn’t meant to be. I know He will open another door for Augie and me, and we will be connected with our child. We are still pursuing adoption. Since the New Year, things have slowed down and we are sort of at a standstill. It’s just the process, and we know that’s how it goes. Some days are still better than others. Things are in constant motion, but still in the motion, we are forced to wait. We are still exploring other avenues and are opening doors we originally slammed shut. It’s been a beautiful thing to experience the evolution that both Augie and I have experienced within ourselves and our marriage. We remain hopeful for the future and are remaining steady in our faith because we never know what’s going to happen next, despite the fear that comes with it!