November marks the beginning of the holiday season, and I absolutely love the holidays! For me this time of year means more family, more food, and more free time—my three favorite things! With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, I’ve been trying to focus on what I have to be thankful for this year. Normally, this would be an easy task for me; however, this year seems to be a bit different because there is a constant grey cloud, known as infertility, that’s hanging out over my life. It’s like looking out of a window on a beautiful afternoon, and seeing a bright blue sky and birds in the air. As I scan my surroundings a grey cloud catches my eye. I think to myself, “What the hell is that doing there? It’s a gorgeous day, and there’s this ugly storm cloud smack-dab in the middle of it.” This grey cloud annoys me, and now I’ve seen it, so I can’t help but stare at it despite the wonderful day surrounding it. That is my life. I can’t seem to focus anywhere else but on the grey cloud.
The reality of it is, though, that behind my grey cloud there is so much blue sky! I don’t ignore what’s good in my life, but it’s so hard to focus on it sometimes. I have challenged myself (at least for the next two months) to shift my focus off the grey cloud and onto the rest of big, beautiful blue sky that lay behind it. I’m struggling because I have allowed my emotions to completely raid my once-logical mind. Each day, I try to focus on one thing I am thankful for. Some days it’s something big, like my house, my job, or my husband. Other days it’s something so minuscule like a good hair day, a short line at the drive-thru gas station, or DVR. When I am having a good day, this is so easy. I remind myself of what that wonderful thing is, and throughout the day, I run with it. Other days are harder. When I feel myself staring fiercely at the cloud, I try to think of that particular thing that reminds me to be thankful, but the grey cloud becomes larger, darker, and more noticeable.
I’ve learned that when I feel myself staring at the grey cloud, I can reach out to one of the many rays of sunshine that keep me smiling. I think these people are what keep me going. I’ve had so many people reach out to me, even strangers, to offer whatever they can. Most people have no idea how I’m feeling, or what it feels like to experience infertility, so they lack empathy. Even though they aren’t able to empathize, they try their hardest to bring me comfort, and for that I am eternally thankful.
I’ve wanted to share some pretty amazing acts of kindness that I have experienced over the course of the last couple of months since Augie and I have shared our infertility journey publicly. The first thing that happened was done anonymously. One morning I got to work and checked my mailbox only to find a card with my and Augie’s name on it. After my students settled in and starting eating breakfast before class, I decided to open it. Inside the envelope was a card with sweet words of encouragement, as well as a gift. Humbled by this surprise, I felt as though I didn’t deserve it; however, the card wasn’t signed so I had no idea who to thank. So, to this wonderful colleague of mine, I am forever grateful and appreciate your kindness more than you know. The second thing that happened was a dinner that happened a week or two later with a few of my best friends. They planned a dinner that involved heartfelt conversation and gave me a necklace that serves as a reminder to me of just how special our friendship is. I am so relieved that even though we are at different places in our lives, they are not willing to let me go. Lastly, but definitely not least, last week I went to get my hair done. My hairdresser follows this blog and has been someone that has known of our childbearing hopes and struggles since the beginning. She and I have talked a lot about the struggles of expanding a family, and I’ve always felt a sense of sincerity from her. Well, when I went to pay her after my appointment she wouldn’t take my payment. She told me she didn’t know exactly what she could do to help Augie and I, so she would help in a way she knew how. I didn’t know what to say, because I was trying so hard not to cry. These simple acts of kindness are constant reminders that there are good-hearted people in the world that truly care for others. I will never forget the moment we shared that day, and I know one day I will be able to pay her kindness forward. Those three incidents are just a few of the ones that have really tugged at my heartstrings.
As shown above, I have so much to be thankful for. It’s just that during this time of my life, I am experiencing changes. They aren’t welcomed changes, but I have taken them on, because I want to continue living this wonderful life. Again, some days are progressively worse than others. There are days where I do nothing but curse the grey cloud and completely ignore the rest of the sky. However, I take those days on as they come with the help of others.
Today, Augie and I remain in limbo. Since my last post, Augie was ordered to have another semen analysis. The results of the second analysis were the same as the first. Augie has officially been diagnosed with Azoospermia, which means he has zero sperm. A very popular phrase I have heard many times lately is “it only takes one.” With that being said, we recently visited the urologist recommended by Dr. Webster, and have scheduled a biopsy that is going to happen next month where we will see if there are any sperm, at all. In very rare cases, there is sperm, but blockages prevent them from spilling into ejaculate. Again, we wait, and remain hopeful for some good news and viable sperm! We are learning to hold onto the little glimmer of hope in our blue sky.
The reality of it is, though, that behind my grey cloud there is so much blue sky! I don’t ignore what’s good in my life, but it’s so hard to focus on it sometimes. I have challenged myself (at least for the next two months) to shift my focus off the grey cloud and onto the rest of big, beautiful blue sky that lay behind it. I’m struggling because I have allowed my emotions to completely raid my once-logical mind. Each day, I try to focus on one thing I am thankful for. Some days it’s something big, like my house, my job, or my husband. Other days it’s something so minuscule like a good hair day, a short line at the drive-thru gas station, or DVR. When I am having a good day, this is so easy. I remind myself of what that wonderful thing is, and throughout the day, I run with it. Other days are harder. When I feel myself staring fiercely at the cloud, I try to think of that particular thing that reminds me to be thankful, but the grey cloud becomes larger, darker, and more noticeable.
I’ve learned that when I feel myself staring at the grey cloud, I can reach out to one of the many rays of sunshine that keep me smiling. I think these people are what keep me going. I’ve had so many people reach out to me, even strangers, to offer whatever they can. Most people have no idea how I’m feeling, or what it feels like to experience infertility, so they lack empathy. Even though they aren’t able to empathize, they try their hardest to bring me comfort, and for that I am eternally thankful.
I’ve wanted to share some pretty amazing acts of kindness that I have experienced over the course of the last couple of months since Augie and I have shared our infertility journey publicly. The first thing that happened was done anonymously. One morning I got to work and checked my mailbox only to find a card with my and Augie’s name on it. After my students settled in and starting eating breakfast before class, I decided to open it. Inside the envelope was a card with sweet words of encouragement, as well as a gift. Humbled by this surprise, I felt as though I didn’t deserve it; however, the card wasn’t signed so I had no idea who to thank. So, to this wonderful colleague of mine, I am forever grateful and appreciate your kindness more than you know. The second thing that happened was a dinner that happened a week or two later with a few of my best friends. They planned a dinner that involved heartfelt conversation and gave me a necklace that serves as a reminder to me of just how special our friendship is. I am so relieved that even though we are at different places in our lives, they are not willing to let me go. Lastly, but definitely not least, last week I went to get my hair done. My hairdresser follows this blog and has been someone that has known of our childbearing hopes and struggles since the beginning. She and I have talked a lot about the struggles of expanding a family, and I’ve always felt a sense of sincerity from her. Well, when I went to pay her after my appointment she wouldn’t take my payment. She told me she didn’t know exactly what she could do to help Augie and I, so she would help in a way she knew how. I didn’t know what to say, because I was trying so hard not to cry. These simple acts of kindness are constant reminders that there are good-hearted people in the world that truly care for others. I will never forget the moment we shared that day, and I know one day I will be able to pay her kindness forward. Those three incidents are just a few of the ones that have really tugged at my heartstrings.
As shown above, I have so much to be thankful for. It’s just that during this time of my life, I am experiencing changes. They aren’t welcomed changes, but I have taken them on, because I want to continue living this wonderful life. Again, some days are progressively worse than others. There are days where I do nothing but curse the grey cloud and completely ignore the rest of the sky. However, I take those days on as they come with the help of others.
Today, Augie and I remain in limbo. Since my last post, Augie was ordered to have another semen analysis. The results of the second analysis were the same as the first. Augie has officially been diagnosed with Azoospermia, which means he has zero sperm. A very popular phrase I have heard many times lately is “it only takes one.” With that being said, we recently visited the urologist recommended by Dr. Webster, and have scheduled a biopsy that is going to happen next month where we will see if there are any sperm, at all. In very rare cases, there is sperm, but blockages prevent them from spilling into ejaculate. Again, we wait, and remain hopeful for some good news and viable sperm! We are learning to hold onto the little glimmer of hope in our blue sky.