I definitely fit the stereotype of a “Daddy’s Girl.” Since the day I was born my dad has always told me he knew we’d share a special bond. I love when he tells me the story of the first time he held me in his arms. He says we locked eyes almost instantly and it was as though we saw right into each other’s souls. I smile every time I retell that story. It seems natural for me to always seek his advice for whatever is going on in my life. We even had the “where do babies come from” conversation back when I was an adolescent sponge. He’s answered every question I’ve ever had so openly and honestly, which is one of the main reasons I was compelled to be so open with our infertility journey.
One thing that dear ole dad has always told me is, “Everything changes, Madison. Nothing in this life stays the same.” The older I get, the more I believe these words. I witness something changing every single day. In my career as a teacher, the world of education is constantly evolving. I am constantly on my toes and have learned very quickly to be adaptable. Also, living in Louisiana, I am definitely used to weather changes, but here lately things in my life seem to be in constant revolution.
In the year and a half Augie and I have been married, it’s been a constant rollercoaster ride of change. The different emotions I have experienced have caused me to visit both ends of the sanity spectrum. In 2014, we had the most perfect wedding. I’m not exaggerating. It was perfect. Some people won’t admit their eagerness to start a family, but after we were married we decided we wanted to begin trying to have a baby right away. It’s no secret that I’ve always wanted to be a mother, but my dreams were altered since we’ve quickly learned there is a different plan mapped out for us than the one we mapped for ourselves. Here we are almost two years into marriage still trying for that baby. For me, it has felt like a lifetime full of changes. There have been tests, blood work, and procedures for the both of us, and now we are facing two failed IUI cycles. The only constant thing has been me trying not to slip slowly into complete and utter madness.
Yes, you read it right. TWO failed IUI cycles. While writing my last blog post, I knew that I was going to be moving forward onto another cycle immediately. Augie and I decided not to publicly announce that we went straight into our second IUI right after the first one failed for multiple reasons. After seeing only one pink line on the two pregnancy tests I took, the burning, itching, overwhelming desire to become a mother only grew stronger. Also, everyone who knew about the first cycle wanted to know the results. I think that was one of the most difficult things that accompanied the failed insemination—seeing the disappointment on everyone’s faces when we had to deliver the news that it failed. It was heart wrenching. I felt like a complete failure even though I had done everything humanly possible to ensure a favorable outcome. It’s still hard for me to accept that this is one more thing that is completely out of my control. I have to constantly be reminded that at some point science and God have to take over and do their part, too. I called my doctor after the first failed cycle to see what our options were, and to my surprise, I was able to begin another cycle as soon as my period showed up. Even though I was taking progesterone, two days later I started my period, which I’ve read is fairly quick considering the side effects of the medicine. Again, feeling another serge of change, I actually felt hopeful. It was reassuring that I was able to continue with cycle number two since I heard that some doctors recommend you skip a month in order to regulate your hormones. We went through the same process as the last time: Femara, trigger shot, and then insemination. My RE felt since my body reacted so well to the medicines the first time, there wasn’t a reason to change anything. There it was again, the unexplained factor of why it just didn’t work. I felt more confident this time then I did the first, but I think it was just because I knew what to expect. The unknown factor wasn’t there, so I was actually a little more lax during the last cycle. I went on a small vacation for Spring Break and stayed busy (for the most part), which I found helped manage the stress.
One of the most infuriating things about infertility treatment is that there is never a definite answer as to why it did or did not work. There are assumptions, but I try not to heavily rely on them. I didn’t have answers for the first failed cycle, nor do I have any for this one. Augie and I were basically at a loss. I never want to make a decision based on emotion, so to be honest we wanted someone to just tell us what do. First thing we did was call our RE’s office. We also called the sperm bank to see how many vials our donor had because in the beginning we only purchased two vials (two vials, two failed cycles). There had been discussion of pursuing IVF, which is a much more extensive process, but the percentage for a favorable outcome is considerably higher. We were juggling all of these options, so naturally the “right” answer didn’t easily jump out at us. Once we called the sperm bank, we received some pretty disheartening news. Another change. The donor that we chose months ago is now inactive. I’ve expressed before how attached I am to this particular donor because of how much his baby picture resembles Augie’s. He removed himself from the donor program and decided not continue his donation. When we chose this donor, we knew he only had five remaining vials, and we had already purchased two. If this was a perfect world, I would to call him up and beg for him to reconsider, but that is impossible because the of the donor status he chose: anonymous.
After learning of the second failed IUI and before finding out about our, I was ready to move on to IVF just because I felt like I needed to work with a more favorable outcome. It’s pretty defeating after spending thousands of dollars, pumping my body with artificial hormones, and waiting two weeks to pee on a stick just to see a control line. I’ve always wanted more than one child, and I wasn’t going to let infertility get in the way of that dream.
During a Sarah’s Laughter support group meeting, I opened up to my friends, and asked for advice on the current situation that Augie and I were now in. They were all puzzled at the fact that my RE had never ordered an HSG procedure for me before starting IUI. HSG stands for hysterosalpingogram. This is basically an x-ray procedure that is used to see whether my fallopian tubes are open and if the inside of my uterus is normal. This all plays a pretty big role in getting pregnant because the sperm has to travel that path in order to reach the egg and later implant. The answer was unanimous. They all told me I should order and HSG, so I decided to take my sweet friend’s advice before moving on or making another decision that could cause another major change in our journey. I felt indifferent going into the procedure because I felt like I would have some sort of explanation as to why the past two IUI cycles have not worked. On the other hand, if they were blocked, then I would feel sort of feel like my RE did me an injustice because he didn’t order one before I began treatment. But, if my tubes weren’t blocked, that feeling would be reversed. I’d feel more confident in my RE’s instincts, but still feel defeated and confused because there would be no clarity as to why the procedure failed; twice. I started my period after the second failed insemination and had the procedure done on the sixth day of my cycle. Unfortunately, this caused me not to be able to participate in any fertility treatments for this month, but somehow I felt at peace because I knew I would always question myself if I didn’t have it done. The procedure was painful, but luckily my tubes weren’t blocked. My OB explained it to me as if I just received a “spring cleaning”. Now my tubes provided a clear pathway for the sperm to travel. I am glad I had it done, but I can’t help but to still question why the last two procedures didn’t work.
Since waiting isn’t exactly my thing, I wanted to move forward with the next step. This was hard because for the first time since we’ve embarked on this infertility journey, Augie and I were not on the same page. This was a change that I definitely was not ready for. I had made it quite clear in the beginning that two IUI cycles was my limit. I didn’t want to face another cycle where my success rate couldn’t rise above an 18%. Augie on the other hand wanted to try another IUI. His main concern was finances, which I always knew was the main reason we didn’t just start with IVF. I felt so alone and so lost because we were at a standstill. I’m not going to pretend that Augie and I don’t disagree because we do, just as much as any other married couple, but I can honestly say that arguing isn’t something our relationship experiences often. Again, this change was something that hit me hard.
During this time, we received news that an RE, Dr. Dunaway, would visit Sarah’s Laughter and answer any questions that anyone in the group had. Even though I wasn’t his patient I was eager to go just because of the position I was now in, and I was longing for someone to give me medical advice on what our next step should be. I heard mixed reviews about Dr. Dunaway. Some said he was too aggressive and was known for putting women at high risks for multiples, which could potentially lead to a trip Houston for selective reduction. Others say he is aggressive, but only as aggressive as you want to be. Many say he is kind and compassionate and treats his patients like family. I wanted to make the judgment call for myself. Also, during this time I was questioning my care with Dr. Storment because of the fact that he didn’t change medications between the first and second cycle. My initial thoughts were that if it didn’t work the first time, why would it work a second? On top of those feelings, I felt compelled to attend the meeting.
I guess you can describe my first encounter with Dr. Dunaway as “love at first sight.” He’s a genius and he’s just the cutest thing! He answered my despite the fact I didn’t have my medical charts memorized. After sitting with him for over an hour and witnessing how kind and caring he was to a group of women with a hundred open ended questions, some currently in his care and some not, I realized he was a better fit for our specific infertility journey. He explained to me that infertility was like a cookbook. Inside the cookbook there are different recipes, so you just have to find the recipe that is right for you. I convinced Augie to give him a chance, and after some hesitation, he finally agreed. I called his office the next day and was able to get an appointment with him the following week.
We met with him for an initial consultation and now I can confidently say, we’ve never looked back. Even though I had to repeat some routine blood work, everything ended up working out. Needless to say Augie loves Dr. Dunaway just as much as I do. During our consultation, he decided that he wanted to try another IUI cycle but this time using more aggressive medications. Augie was obviously thrilled. I however, got used to the idea after hearing his plan. I’ve always been the type to form my opinions about a person after I meet them. I am so glad I gave Dr. Dunaway a chance. He allowed us to tour his facility (Augie was in awe), and he spoke to us as though we were a part of his extended family. I honestly feel like he is invested in our journey and makes his calls based upon our wants and needs, not just on what has worked on another patient in the past.
Change has made herself evident once again in our lives. In just a month, we have changed doctors, and I have changed my mind on the type of treatment I thought I’d be receiving. We are completing our next IUI this month with Clomid. We have decided not to give the exact day just because sometimes the pressure is unbearable for me. Even though people wish us well, I feel like I am also carrying their hope. I’ve learned from the past cycles that there can be a happy medium in publicly sharing where we are in our journey. We appreciate prayers and encouragement, so we have decided to share the news, but also want others to respect us by not constantly asking when it’s going to happen. During this time, I have also experienced more changes within myself. I always knew we had people there to support us, but I finally realized that I was pushing people away. I’ve opened my heart to receive the support from those who love me the most. I’ve distanced myself from those who put me down. With the help of Clomid (Mood swings are a witch.), I am realizing that embracing these changes will make it much easier on both my mind and body. I choose to surround myself with positivity and love. I am slowly learning to brush off the ignorance and insensitivity. I understand that life outside of infertility has to go on for both others and myself. There will be more pregnancy announcements that happen while I am still making appointments for blood work and ultrasounds, and paying for vials of sperm and HCG shots. I am genuinely happy for these families that are expanding, but I still grieve the reality that Augie and I are still on the pursuit of parenthood. I admire those who have been honest with us and have not let infertility get in the way of our relationships. Yes, it’s a hard discussion to face, but I’ve learned that I cannot ignore the harshness of reality. I am tired, but still hopeful and trying to embrace the changes.
One thing that dear ole dad has always told me is, “Everything changes, Madison. Nothing in this life stays the same.” The older I get, the more I believe these words. I witness something changing every single day. In my career as a teacher, the world of education is constantly evolving. I am constantly on my toes and have learned very quickly to be adaptable. Also, living in Louisiana, I am definitely used to weather changes, but here lately things in my life seem to be in constant revolution.
In the year and a half Augie and I have been married, it’s been a constant rollercoaster ride of change. The different emotions I have experienced have caused me to visit both ends of the sanity spectrum. In 2014, we had the most perfect wedding. I’m not exaggerating. It was perfect. Some people won’t admit their eagerness to start a family, but after we were married we decided we wanted to begin trying to have a baby right away. It’s no secret that I’ve always wanted to be a mother, but my dreams were altered since we’ve quickly learned there is a different plan mapped out for us than the one we mapped for ourselves. Here we are almost two years into marriage still trying for that baby. For me, it has felt like a lifetime full of changes. There have been tests, blood work, and procedures for the both of us, and now we are facing two failed IUI cycles. The only constant thing has been me trying not to slip slowly into complete and utter madness.
Yes, you read it right. TWO failed IUI cycles. While writing my last blog post, I knew that I was going to be moving forward onto another cycle immediately. Augie and I decided not to publicly announce that we went straight into our second IUI right after the first one failed for multiple reasons. After seeing only one pink line on the two pregnancy tests I took, the burning, itching, overwhelming desire to become a mother only grew stronger. Also, everyone who knew about the first cycle wanted to know the results. I think that was one of the most difficult things that accompanied the failed insemination—seeing the disappointment on everyone’s faces when we had to deliver the news that it failed. It was heart wrenching. I felt like a complete failure even though I had done everything humanly possible to ensure a favorable outcome. It’s still hard for me to accept that this is one more thing that is completely out of my control. I have to constantly be reminded that at some point science and God have to take over and do their part, too. I called my doctor after the first failed cycle to see what our options were, and to my surprise, I was able to begin another cycle as soon as my period showed up. Even though I was taking progesterone, two days later I started my period, which I’ve read is fairly quick considering the side effects of the medicine. Again, feeling another serge of change, I actually felt hopeful. It was reassuring that I was able to continue with cycle number two since I heard that some doctors recommend you skip a month in order to regulate your hormones. We went through the same process as the last time: Femara, trigger shot, and then insemination. My RE felt since my body reacted so well to the medicines the first time, there wasn’t a reason to change anything. There it was again, the unexplained factor of why it just didn’t work. I felt more confident this time then I did the first, but I think it was just because I knew what to expect. The unknown factor wasn’t there, so I was actually a little more lax during the last cycle. I went on a small vacation for Spring Break and stayed busy (for the most part), which I found helped manage the stress.
One of the most infuriating things about infertility treatment is that there is never a definite answer as to why it did or did not work. There are assumptions, but I try not to heavily rely on them. I didn’t have answers for the first failed cycle, nor do I have any for this one. Augie and I were basically at a loss. I never want to make a decision based on emotion, so to be honest we wanted someone to just tell us what do. First thing we did was call our RE’s office. We also called the sperm bank to see how many vials our donor had because in the beginning we only purchased two vials (two vials, two failed cycles). There had been discussion of pursuing IVF, which is a much more extensive process, but the percentage for a favorable outcome is considerably higher. We were juggling all of these options, so naturally the “right” answer didn’t easily jump out at us. Once we called the sperm bank, we received some pretty disheartening news. Another change. The donor that we chose months ago is now inactive. I’ve expressed before how attached I am to this particular donor because of how much his baby picture resembles Augie’s. He removed himself from the donor program and decided not continue his donation. When we chose this donor, we knew he only had five remaining vials, and we had already purchased two. If this was a perfect world, I would to call him up and beg for him to reconsider, but that is impossible because the of the donor status he chose: anonymous.
After learning of the second failed IUI and before finding out about our, I was ready to move on to IVF just because I felt like I needed to work with a more favorable outcome. It’s pretty defeating after spending thousands of dollars, pumping my body with artificial hormones, and waiting two weeks to pee on a stick just to see a control line. I’ve always wanted more than one child, and I wasn’t going to let infertility get in the way of that dream.
During a Sarah’s Laughter support group meeting, I opened up to my friends, and asked for advice on the current situation that Augie and I were now in. They were all puzzled at the fact that my RE had never ordered an HSG procedure for me before starting IUI. HSG stands for hysterosalpingogram. This is basically an x-ray procedure that is used to see whether my fallopian tubes are open and if the inside of my uterus is normal. This all plays a pretty big role in getting pregnant because the sperm has to travel that path in order to reach the egg and later implant. The answer was unanimous. They all told me I should order and HSG, so I decided to take my sweet friend’s advice before moving on or making another decision that could cause another major change in our journey. I felt indifferent going into the procedure because I felt like I would have some sort of explanation as to why the past two IUI cycles have not worked. On the other hand, if they were blocked, then I would feel sort of feel like my RE did me an injustice because he didn’t order one before I began treatment. But, if my tubes weren’t blocked, that feeling would be reversed. I’d feel more confident in my RE’s instincts, but still feel defeated and confused because there would be no clarity as to why the procedure failed; twice. I started my period after the second failed insemination and had the procedure done on the sixth day of my cycle. Unfortunately, this caused me not to be able to participate in any fertility treatments for this month, but somehow I felt at peace because I knew I would always question myself if I didn’t have it done. The procedure was painful, but luckily my tubes weren’t blocked. My OB explained it to me as if I just received a “spring cleaning”. Now my tubes provided a clear pathway for the sperm to travel. I am glad I had it done, but I can’t help but to still question why the last two procedures didn’t work.
Since waiting isn’t exactly my thing, I wanted to move forward with the next step. This was hard because for the first time since we’ve embarked on this infertility journey, Augie and I were not on the same page. This was a change that I definitely was not ready for. I had made it quite clear in the beginning that two IUI cycles was my limit. I didn’t want to face another cycle where my success rate couldn’t rise above an 18%. Augie on the other hand wanted to try another IUI. His main concern was finances, which I always knew was the main reason we didn’t just start with IVF. I felt so alone and so lost because we were at a standstill. I’m not going to pretend that Augie and I don’t disagree because we do, just as much as any other married couple, but I can honestly say that arguing isn’t something our relationship experiences often. Again, this change was something that hit me hard.
During this time, we received news that an RE, Dr. Dunaway, would visit Sarah’s Laughter and answer any questions that anyone in the group had. Even though I wasn’t his patient I was eager to go just because of the position I was now in, and I was longing for someone to give me medical advice on what our next step should be. I heard mixed reviews about Dr. Dunaway. Some said he was too aggressive and was known for putting women at high risks for multiples, which could potentially lead to a trip Houston for selective reduction. Others say he is aggressive, but only as aggressive as you want to be. Many say he is kind and compassionate and treats his patients like family. I wanted to make the judgment call for myself. Also, during this time I was questioning my care with Dr. Storment because of the fact that he didn’t change medications between the first and second cycle. My initial thoughts were that if it didn’t work the first time, why would it work a second? On top of those feelings, I felt compelled to attend the meeting.
I guess you can describe my first encounter with Dr. Dunaway as “love at first sight.” He’s a genius and he’s just the cutest thing! He answered my despite the fact I didn’t have my medical charts memorized. After sitting with him for over an hour and witnessing how kind and caring he was to a group of women with a hundred open ended questions, some currently in his care and some not, I realized he was a better fit for our specific infertility journey. He explained to me that infertility was like a cookbook. Inside the cookbook there are different recipes, so you just have to find the recipe that is right for you. I convinced Augie to give him a chance, and after some hesitation, he finally agreed. I called his office the next day and was able to get an appointment with him the following week.
We met with him for an initial consultation and now I can confidently say, we’ve never looked back. Even though I had to repeat some routine blood work, everything ended up working out. Needless to say Augie loves Dr. Dunaway just as much as I do. During our consultation, he decided that he wanted to try another IUI cycle but this time using more aggressive medications. Augie was obviously thrilled. I however, got used to the idea after hearing his plan. I’ve always been the type to form my opinions about a person after I meet them. I am so glad I gave Dr. Dunaway a chance. He allowed us to tour his facility (Augie was in awe), and he spoke to us as though we were a part of his extended family. I honestly feel like he is invested in our journey and makes his calls based upon our wants and needs, not just on what has worked on another patient in the past.
Change has made herself evident once again in our lives. In just a month, we have changed doctors, and I have changed my mind on the type of treatment I thought I’d be receiving. We are completing our next IUI this month with Clomid. We have decided not to give the exact day just because sometimes the pressure is unbearable for me. Even though people wish us well, I feel like I am also carrying their hope. I’ve learned from the past cycles that there can be a happy medium in publicly sharing where we are in our journey. We appreciate prayers and encouragement, so we have decided to share the news, but also want others to respect us by not constantly asking when it’s going to happen. During this time, I have also experienced more changes within myself. I always knew we had people there to support us, but I finally realized that I was pushing people away. I’ve opened my heart to receive the support from those who love me the most. I’ve distanced myself from those who put me down. With the help of Clomid (Mood swings are a witch.), I am realizing that embracing these changes will make it much easier on both my mind and body. I choose to surround myself with positivity and love. I am slowly learning to brush off the ignorance and insensitivity. I understand that life outside of infertility has to go on for both others and myself. There will be more pregnancy announcements that happen while I am still making appointments for blood work and ultrasounds, and paying for vials of sperm and HCG shots. I am genuinely happy for these families that are expanding, but I still grieve the reality that Augie and I are still on the pursuit of parenthood. I admire those who have been honest with us and have not let infertility get in the way of our relationships. Yes, it’s a hard discussion to face, but I’ve learned that I cannot ignore the harshness of reality. I am tired, but still hopeful and trying to embrace the changes.