Emotions are a tricky thing. As a woman, I have plenty of experience with all of them. Most of us like to familiarize ourselves with positive emotions such as, happiness and joy; but often times we find ourselves facing the unwanted emotions like, fear and sadness. After our diagnoses of infertility, I decided to openly share our journey through IVF because I whole-heartedly believe in the power of prayer. I believe that prayer is powerful enough to control every emotion that may seem to overwhelm us. I needed help controlling all the emotions I felt going through infertility. It’s difficult to manage emotions because sometimes we are so wrapped up in riding the high of excitement that we don’t prepare ourselves for the downfall that sometimes happens soon after. No, I’m not trying to be a “Debbie Downer”, but it’s proven that no one person is always happy, every day, all of the time, and that’s simply because of life.
In September, Augie and I went through our first failed IVF treatment. The emotions that followed seemed unmanageable. I experienced all five stages of grief, but at the end of it all, I knew I still had many redeeming chances to become a mother. We decided to take a small break, sell our house, buy and remodel a house, allow the school year to come to an end, and refuel our hope. We let 8 months pass before we decided to try IVf again. In June, we geared up for our second frozen embryo transfer. We were healed and cautiously optimistic to start this journey again. I was off of work, Augie had taken complete reigns of making sure the house issues were taken care of, and I felt emotionally healed. I found myself again. My confidence was back, and I knew I was strong enough to put myself through it again, both physically and mentally.
The preparation began at the end of May and everything went according to plan. My labs and ultrasounds were perfect. I tried acupuncture over the course of the months leading up to the transfer and it helped in more ways than one. At the beginning of June, it was time for meds and injections. We’re living with my parents, while our house is being remodeled, so I had my sister as an in-home nurse and didn’t stress at all about getting my shots done properly. It seemed that everything was falling into place. On June 23rd, we had our transfer. It was a beautiful day and everything went perfectly. My doctor commented on how perfect everything looked and how smooth the procedure went. The next step was the hardest: the wait. Obviously, when you go through IVF there is no element of surprise. You know the day you conceive and you know the day you can find out if it worked or not. This time, I was certain the procedure worked. I was so sure; I didn’t tell anyone the date of the BETA blood test and decided to go alone. I devised a plan to surprise Augie, along with our families, when I would get the call with the news of positive blood test. I woke up that morning, told Augie, my parents, and sister that I was meeting a friend for breakfast. Instead, I went to my doctor’s office and waited nervously in the waiting room with 14 other women. It seemed like forever, but I was finally called to the back. They drew my blood, wished me luck and I was on my way out. I went about my day anxiously waiting for the phone call that held the fate of our future.
That same afternoon, my phone rang around 1:00. On the other line was the nurse, who told me my blood test was negative. I did not take an at home test before like I did for the last transfer, so I was completely shocked when she told me it didn’t work again. In that moment I found myself staring grief in the face yet again. My first thought was, “How am I going to tell Augie?” I felt as though my plan had completely backfired and I was facing this negative pregnancy test alone. I felt as though my body had failed me yet again, like I am broken and there isn’t any glue strong enough that can fix me or hold me together. In times like this you can’t help but allow your mind to be taken over by sadness, disappointment, and grief. It’s difficult to open your heart and accept God’s will because you feel all of these negative things. Mostly, the disappoint falls on you and hope seems like it’s light-years away. You ask yourself, “Did I pray enough”; “Did I pray for the right things?” and “What could I have done differently this time?” But after all these feelings subside, you realize it’s just the grief talking. You realize you are not alone. During a recent conversation with a friend, she told me, that God gets grief and anger and still extends His grace. It’s reminders such as this one that help you walk through the seasons of infertility.
At our "I'm sorry you're STILL not pregnant" consult with our doctor, he still remain baffled. We reviewed my file, just as we did before and noticed yet again that there is no obvious signs of why this time didn't work. My lining was perfect, my labs were flawless, and my two embryos were that of the highest grade. It still doesn't make any sense and I'm still not pregnant. However, he did tell us that there are some more blood panels that he can run on me to rule things out. He wants to test me for Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome, which based on my research, I don't think I have (it's kind of scary) because with this autoimmune disorder, you experience problems once you become pregnant. I, on the other hand, have never gotten even the faintest positive, but of course I'll still go through with the test if that means we can rule something else out. He also wants to test me for Natural Killer Cells, which in my case makes the most sense. NK cells are a part of the body's defense mechanism, they fight off infection and disease. Well, in my situation, this could be more likely because when NK cell numbers are high, it prevents implantation in the first place because the body fights off the embryos thinking it is a disease. On the bright side, both of these are treatable. If I'm being totally honest, a part of me wants to test positive for one just so that I can stop racking my brain as to why all of these treatments in the last 3 years have failed. I just want some answers so I can stop feeling as though I am inadequate. As a woman, it's a horrible feeling to feel like your body is failing you when your heart has such a great desire.
Like 8 months ago, I am facing another failed fertility treatment, but unlike last time, I am reminded of the strength that God provides to get me through this to reveal the bigger and better plan that He has for Augie and me. We will rise above the grief and already have a pretty good idea what the next chapter has in store for us. I hope you will stick around to witness our continued journey on the pursuit of parenthood.
In September, Augie and I went through our first failed IVF treatment. The emotions that followed seemed unmanageable. I experienced all five stages of grief, but at the end of it all, I knew I still had many redeeming chances to become a mother. We decided to take a small break, sell our house, buy and remodel a house, allow the school year to come to an end, and refuel our hope. We let 8 months pass before we decided to try IVf again. In June, we geared up for our second frozen embryo transfer. We were healed and cautiously optimistic to start this journey again. I was off of work, Augie had taken complete reigns of making sure the house issues were taken care of, and I felt emotionally healed. I found myself again. My confidence was back, and I knew I was strong enough to put myself through it again, both physically and mentally.
The preparation began at the end of May and everything went according to plan. My labs and ultrasounds were perfect. I tried acupuncture over the course of the months leading up to the transfer and it helped in more ways than one. At the beginning of June, it was time for meds and injections. We’re living with my parents, while our house is being remodeled, so I had my sister as an in-home nurse and didn’t stress at all about getting my shots done properly. It seemed that everything was falling into place. On June 23rd, we had our transfer. It was a beautiful day and everything went perfectly. My doctor commented on how perfect everything looked and how smooth the procedure went. The next step was the hardest: the wait. Obviously, when you go through IVF there is no element of surprise. You know the day you conceive and you know the day you can find out if it worked or not. This time, I was certain the procedure worked. I was so sure; I didn’t tell anyone the date of the BETA blood test and decided to go alone. I devised a plan to surprise Augie, along with our families, when I would get the call with the news of positive blood test. I woke up that morning, told Augie, my parents, and sister that I was meeting a friend for breakfast. Instead, I went to my doctor’s office and waited nervously in the waiting room with 14 other women. It seemed like forever, but I was finally called to the back. They drew my blood, wished me luck and I was on my way out. I went about my day anxiously waiting for the phone call that held the fate of our future.
That same afternoon, my phone rang around 1:00. On the other line was the nurse, who told me my blood test was negative. I did not take an at home test before like I did for the last transfer, so I was completely shocked when she told me it didn’t work again. In that moment I found myself staring grief in the face yet again. My first thought was, “How am I going to tell Augie?” I felt as though my plan had completely backfired and I was facing this negative pregnancy test alone. I felt as though my body had failed me yet again, like I am broken and there isn’t any glue strong enough that can fix me or hold me together. In times like this you can’t help but allow your mind to be taken over by sadness, disappointment, and grief. It’s difficult to open your heart and accept God’s will because you feel all of these negative things. Mostly, the disappoint falls on you and hope seems like it’s light-years away. You ask yourself, “Did I pray enough”; “Did I pray for the right things?” and “What could I have done differently this time?” But after all these feelings subside, you realize it’s just the grief talking. You realize you are not alone. During a recent conversation with a friend, she told me, that God gets grief and anger and still extends His grace. It’s reminders such as this one that help you walk through the seasons of infertility.
At our "I'm sorry you're STILL not pregnant" consult with our doctor, he still remain baffled. We reviewed my file, just as we did before and noticed yet again that there is no obvious signs of why this time didn't work. My lining was perfect, my labs were flawless, and my two embryos were that of the highest grade. It still doesn't make any sense and I'm still not pregnant. However, he did tell us that there are some more blood panels that he can run on me to rule things out. He wants to test me for Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome, which based on my research, I don't think I have (it's kind of scary) because with this autoimmune disorder, you experience problems once you become pregnant. I, on the other hand, have never gotten even the faintest positive, but of course I'll still go through with the test if that means we can rule something else out. He also wants to test me for Natural Killer Cells, which in my case makes the most sense. NK cells are a part of the body's defense mechanism, they fight off infection and disease. Well, in my situation, this could be more likely because when NK cell numbers are high, it prevents implantation in the first place because the body fights off the embryos thinking it is a disease. On the bright side, both of these are treatable. If I'm being totally honest, a part of me wants to test positive for one just so that I can stop racking my brain as to why all of these treatments in the last 3 years have failed. I just want some answers so I can stop feeling as though I am inadequate. As a woman, it's a horrible feeling to feel like your body is failing you when your heart has such a great desire.
Like 8 months ago, I am facing another failed fertility treatment, but unlike last time, I am reminded of the strength that God provides to get me through this to reveal the bigger and better plan that He has for Augie and me. We will rise above the grief and already have a pretty good idea what the next chapter has in store for us. I hope you will stick around to witness our continued journey on the pursuit of parenthood.