The old saying “no news is good news” has never really applied to my life. I believe this saying is something eager people proclaim to make themselves feel better in a high stress situation. In fact, when I try to apply this quote to my life, it seems to prove quite the opposite. Though thinking about it now makes me feel somewhat hypocritical because I haven’t been punctual with any updates on where Augie and I currently reside in our infertility journey, which could lead people to believe, “no news is good news,” which is why I’ve been struggling with writing this blog post. Up until this point, blogging has been something that I’ve dedicatedly done because of the comfort and relief it provides. This post makes me feel a little different. Previously, my posts have been all about finding answers. Currently, I feel as though Augie and I have hit yet another wall that we, once again, must figure out if we need to climb over it, walk around it, or bust it down. Thankfully we now know our options and have made a confident decision on which path we want to take, but unfortunately, there are still so many things that stand in our way to becoming parents. A lot has happened in just a few short weeks, and as promised I plan on being open with where this journey has taken us.
IUI Cycle One
Last month I began the long, drawn out process of IUI. In the beginning, IUI was something we immediately threw out because of Augie’s diagnosis. However, now that we have chosen to proceed with sperm donation, IUI is our first option. In February, I felt hopeful. We began my first cycle. Even though the cycle came with big pills, small pills, long needles, and short needles I had my mind made up that I was going to push through. With IUI comes a lot of uncomfortable and unflattering ultrasounds, calendars, 2 a.m. trigger shots, and catheters. Sounds pretty amazing, huh? NOT! For my first appointment, I had to call with the first physical sign of my period. I prayed so hard for Aunt Flow to pay her monthly visit, and when she finally came to town I called the minute the office opened.
Fertility Meds
My appointment went beautifully. I was shedding my lining and had evidence of follicles in both ovaries. They sent me home with a calendar and a prescription for Femara. It was finally time. I took Femara to help my follicles grow. At my next ultrasound, I receive more good news. My follicles were growing at a pretty healthy rate and I was ready for the trigger shot to force my body to release an egg from one of those mature follicles. I was overjoyed. I finally felt like my body and I were a team. We were now working from the same page, thanks to the meds. The next step was the most nerve-racking, and in my ever-so-goodluck, I was scheduled to give myself the trigger shot at 2 a.m. With the help of my sister in law, (Augie is petrified of needles) the trigger shot was painless. All I had to do was wait a couple of days then go back for the procedure. Even though Augie and I have gotten pretty good at waiting, those couple of days were still agonizing.
The Procedure
The day my procedure was scheduled was the day we experienced some of the worst weather Ascension Parish has ever seen. They moved my appointment up due to weather, so as you may have guessed I was completely out of my mind. I spent the entire morning soaking in the bathtub, listening to soft music, and crying my eyeballs out. I tried cleaning my mind so that I could feel relaxed during the procedure, but the weather conditions weren’t helping.
We were the only patients in the office that morning. When I was finally called to the back, the nurse who Augie and I have grown quite found of, made a joke about how we have dodged so many bullets that have been shot at us during this process. We had problems with not getting blood work back in time, getting the okay that the donor we chose would be compatible, and now we were facing serious weather conditions.
Thankfully, the doctor and nurse present during the insemination made me feel so comfortable. The procedure literally lasted 5 minutes. Since IUI requires the sperm to be injected directly into the uterus via a catheter through the cervix, I laid on the table for 15 minutes then was free to go. The part of the cycle I was most worried about was actually the easiest part. Little did I know the 2 weeks that followed would be the hardest, longest, most annoying weeks of my life.
The 2-Week Wait
The 2-week wait (2ww) begins the day after the procedure. You have to wait 2 weeks to take an at home pregnancy test to see if the procedure was successful. Others that have experienced IUI warned me that the 2-week waiting period would be the hardest part. In the beginning I thought they were crazy. Honestly, I got through the first 4 or 5 days with barely any struggle, but of course it was constantly on my mind. I think what made it so easy in the beginning was it was I knew that it look a couple of days for the sperm to reach the egg and actually begin the implantation process. However, that ease quickly faded before the first week ended. By day 6 I felt like I was going crazy. I began researching like a mad woman. I’ve learned the hard way that Google can be your worst enemy. I questioned everything. I felt cramps, I was nauseas, I felt fatigued, and I had crazy cravings. On day 9, I took a pregnancy test. I was home alone and was going crazy inside of my own mind. Of course, both test (yes I peed on two sticks) were negative. I was devastated. Thankfully, the Infertility Support Group met that night. I arrived to the meeting already crying. The whole message of group that night was the feeling of jealousy that so many of us facing infertility feel. We were asked to think about to our favorite picture of us with our best friends in either high school or college. We then had to think about what the picture would look like if we took the same picture now and reflect on the changes that we would see. This was so relevant to my life at the present moment. Most of my friends from high school are pregnant or have children, and two of my very best friends from college are expecting their first child. It really made me realize just how different our lives are now. So still battling my emotions of the 2ww, I was now reminded how I have separated myself from those I love just because I’m not experiencing the same life experiences at the same time. Infertility has a sneaky way of making you self reflect. Fortunately, the girls in the group helped me feel less crazy and told me it was way too early to take test and reminded me that my time would come to be the pregnant friend in the picture. Even though their kind words made me feel better, I have to admit in the back of my mind I had a feeling the next test I took would show the same negative result. As a woman, you know your body. There’s really no other way to explain it.
The 2ww is over
Still to this day, I hate myself a little for peeing on those sticks 5 days early. But, I found the strength to push through the remaining days. The following Tuesday morning I woke up trying to hold tightly onto the possibility that I could get a positive test. Unfortunately Augie was sent out of town for work, but I didn’t have to be alone. My two biggest supporters were right by my side. My sister and I slept at my SIL, Bridgette’s, that night, so I was able to wake up to positivity and support. I woke up and peed on the first stick and just my luck it was a faulty test. The control line didn’t even show up. Again, my fears were surfacing. For the second one I peed in a cup and dipped the stick in. Within a minute the control line showed up, but nothing else followed. I never saw another pink line. Our first attempt at IUI failed. To say I was sad is a total understatement. I felt like my body failed me. I felt like I guilty for pouring over $4,000 into medications, ultrasounds, and sperm for a procedure that didn’t work. Once Augie got home, we decided to put this cycle behind us. We have grieved this cycle failure, but are ready to move forward.
Our Future
After speaking to the nurse, Augie and I have decided to try another round of IUI taking the same route used the last time. I’ll be using the same meds because my body responded so well to them. We know that I ovulated and dropped one egg last month, but for whatever reason it just didn’t work. That is really hard to accept, especially when you pour so much time, money, and emotions into something that some couples do so effortlessly. However, we have decided not to tell when that next procedure cycle will be. I learned through the first failed cycle that emotionally, I couldn’t handle the disappointment I saw on my loved one’s faces. We figured it’d be that much more special when the procedure works and we could share the good news, instead of the bad. We aren’t giving up. For now, we have decided to try IUI one more time, but who knows what the future holds. The rest is still pending…
IUI Cycle One
Last month I began the long, drawn out process of IUI. In the beginning, IUI was something we immediately threw out because of Augie’s diagnosis. However, now that we have chosen to proceed with sperm donation, IUI is our first option. In February, I felt hopeful. We began my first cycle. Even though the cycle came with big pills, small pills, long needles, and short needles I had my mind made up that I was going to push through. With IUI comes a lot of uncomfortable and unflattering ultrasounds, calendars, 2 a.m. trigger shots, and catheters. Sounds pretty amazing, huh? NOT! For my first appointment, I had to call with the first physical sign of my period. I prayed so hard for Aunt Flow to pay her monthly visit, and when she finally came to town I called the minute the office opened.
Fertility Meds
My appointment went beautifully. I was shedding my lining and had evidence of follicles in both ovaries. They sent me home with a calendar and a prescription for Femara. It was finally time. I took Femara to help my follicles grow. At my next ultrasound, I receive more good news. My follicles were growing at a pretty healthy rate and I was ready for the trigger shot to force my body to release an egg from one of those mature follicles. I was overjoyed. I finally felt like my body and I were a team. We were now working from the same page, thanks to the meds. The next step was the most nerve-racking, and in my ever-so-goodluck, I was scheduled to give myself the trigger shot at 2 a.m. With the help of my sister in law, (Augie is petrified of needles) the trigger shot was painless. All I had to do was wait a couple of days then go back for the procedure. Even though Augie and I have gotten pretty good at waiting, those couple of days were still agonizing.
The Procedure
The day my procedure was scheduled was the day we experienced some of the worst weather Ascension Parish has ever seen. They moved my appointment up due to weather, so as you may have guessed I was completely out of my mind. I spent the entire morning soaking in the bathtub, listening to soft music, and crying my eyeballs out. I tried cleaning my mind so that I could feel relaxed during the procedure, but the weather conditions weren’t helping.
We were the only patients in the office that morning. When I was finally called to the back, the nurse who Augie and I have grown quite found of, made a joke about how we have dodged so many bullets that have been shot at us during this process. We had problems with not getting blood work back in time, getting the okay that the donor we chose would be compatible, and now we were facing serious weather conditions.
Thankfully, the doctor and nurse present during the insemination made me feel so comfortable. The procedure literally lasted 5 minutes. Since IUI requires the sperm to be injected directly into the uterus via a catheter through the cervix, I laid on the table for 15 minutes then was free to go. The part of the cycle I was most worried about was actually the easiest part. Little did I know the 2 weeks that followed would be the hardest, longest, most annoying weeks of my life.
The 2-Week Wait
The 2-week wait (2ww) begins the day after the procedure. You have to wait 2 weeks to take an at home pregnancy test to see if the procedure was successful. Others that have experienced IUI warned me that the 2-week waiting period would be the hardest part. In the beginning I thought they were crazy. Honestly, I got through the first 4 or 5 days with barely any struggle, but of course it was constantly on my mind. I think what made it so easy in the beginning was it was I knew that it look a couple of days for the sperm to reach the egg and actually begin the implantation process. However, that ease quickly faded before the first week ended. By day 6 I felt like I was going crazy. I began researching like a mad woman. I’ve learned the hard way that Google can be your worst enemy. I questioned everything. I felt cramps, I was nauseas, I felt fatigued, and I had crazy cravings. On day 9, I took a pregnancy test. I was home alone and was going crazy inside of my own mind. Of course, both test (yes I peed on two sticks) were negative. I was devastated. Thankfully, the Infertility Support Group met that night. I arrived to the meeting already crying. The whole message of group that night was the feeling of jealousy that so many of us facing infertility feel. We were asked to think about to our favorite picture of us with our best friends in either high school or college. We then had to think about what the picture would look like if we took the same picture now and reflect on the changes that we would see. This was so relevant to my life at the present moment. Most of my friends from high school are pregnant or have children, and two of my very best friends from college are expecting their first child. It really made me realize just how different our lives are now. So still battling my emotions of the 2ww, I was now reminded how I have separated myself from those I love just because I’m not experiencing the same life experiences at the same time. Infertility has a sneaky way of making you self reflect. Fortunately, the girls in the group helped me feel less crazy and told me it was way too early to take test and reminded me that my time would come to be the pregnant friend in the picture. Even though their kind words made me feel better, I have to admit in the back of my mind I had a feeling the next test I took would show the same negative result. As a woman, you know your body. There’s really no other way to explain it.
The 2ww is over
Still to this day, I hate myself a little for peeing on those sticks 5 days early. But, I found the strength to push through the remaining days. The following Tuesday morning I woke up trying to hold tightly onto the possibility that I could get a positive test. Unfortunately Augie was sent out of town for work, but I didn’t have to be alone. My two biggest supporters were right by my side. My sister and I slept at my SIL, Bridgette’s, that night, so I was able to wake up to positivity and support. I woke up and peed on the first stick and just my luck it was a faulty test. The control line didn’t even show up. Again, my fears were surfacing. For the second one I peed in a cup and dipped the stick in. Within a minute the control line showed up, but nothing else followed. I never saw another pink line. Our first attempt at IUI failed. To say I was sad is a total understatement. I felt like my body failed me. I felt like I guilty for pouring over $4,000 into medications, ultrasounds, and sperm for a procedure that didn’t work. Once Augie got home, we decided to put this cycle behind us. We have grieved this cycle failure, but are ready to move forward.
Our Future
After speaking to the nurse, Augie and I have decided to try another round of IUI taking the same route used the last time. I’ll be using the same meds because my body responded so well to them. We know that I ovulated and dropped one egg last month, but for whatever reason it just didn’t work. That is really hard to accept, especially when you pour so much time, money, and emotions into something that some couples do so effortlessly. However, we have decided not to tell when that next procedure cycle will be. I learned through the first failed cycle that emotionally, I couldn’t handle the disappointment I saw on my loved one’s faces. We figured it’d be that much more special when the procedure works and we could share the good news, instead of the bad. We aren’t giving up. For now, we have decided to try IUI one more time, but who knows what the future holds. The rest is still pending…